Public Class GeoffAppleby

Teleportation Technology is Still Buggy

There's many good teleportation devices around at the moment. A couple of good examples around include those used in Star Trek and Stargate.

I think it's fairly obvious, however, that they still have a way to go before they become industry standard.

How do I know this? It's quite simple really.

I woke up this morning and was doing my standard daily first thing in the morning things. At one stage I needed to write something down, so I grabbed a pen and tried to start writing. It took me a moment to work out why I felt uncomfortable and couldn't actually start writing down what I needed to: I'm a left-hander, and I'd picked up the pen in my right hand. Strange.

Then a little while later I was sitting in toilet (or, as I prefer to call it, the library) and reached for the toilet paper. But I reached to the left when I know full well that the paper holder is mounted on the right hand side.

So within about 10 minutes I had twice completely screwed up my opposites. There's only one answer that I can think of to why this has happened. Here's my logic process.

Your natural lefts and right don't just get mixed up by themselves, and so:

• I was abducted by aliens last night.
• The doors on my house were locked last night, so they couldn't actually come in and steal me, so they must have teleported me out.
• They performed their strange experiments (after all, they always do).
• This explains the presence of the bruise under my arm that I didn't notice until this morning.
• This also explains why I feel older. It's my birthday tomorrow (Friday). Today I should only feel 28, but I feel more like 29. They kept me a day, not just a few hours, and when they returned me they returned me to the time at which I was stolen. While I'm currently present in the January 20th time-stream, I'm physically one day older than that, and so my birthday has already actually happened.
• When I was returned, the doors on my house were still locked, so they had to teleport me back.

Now lets look at the evidence.

• My lefts and rights are all confused.
• At 3 o'clock this morning, a car in our street decided that it was a perfect time to let the horn sound. It was going off for about 45 minutes.

So obviously, teleportation is still not perfect. When I was beamed back, some particles in my brain got reversed. This led me to try and do a couple of things in reverse. Thankfully it must have been a small number of particles, because I didn't actually try to drive on the wrong side of the road this morning, and neither did I try to, say, have a shower and then get undressed.

It's also evident that teleportation generates a shock-wave, hence setting off the horn in the car down the street.

Really, there's no other logical explanation.