Escape From Fnordish - Chapter 2
Escape From Fnordish
Tales on the Path to Squishpoo
Chapter 2 - Portentuous Portents
Having escaped their prison, Prince Edgarb and Phil the Fish set out across the meadow that was just outside the gates of Castle Fnordish.
How’d they escape? Well, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, so let’s just accept the fact that they did. Somehow. So let’s move on. ##
"Well bugger me," said Prince Edgarb. "That was a close one!"
"Yeah, I know," said Phil. "Can you believe how-"
I said never mind!
So they started across the meadow. But little did they know that the other side of the meadow, hidden away at the back, was an item of portent. Sounds pretty cool doesn’t it? Portent. P. O. R. T. E. N. T. I’m not really sure what it is yet, but it I like it.
Where was I? Oh yes.
They crossed the meadow. It took them three days. It wasn’t actually that big a meadow, but it was a heavy fishbowl, and Edgarb wasn’t used to physical exertion. Besides, he forgot to bring his walking shoes, and he didn’t want to hurt his footsies. They made it finally, however.
Stumbling, gasping for breath – yes, both of them were gasping; Edgarb has been using the fishbowl for drinking water, the little ***, and it was running low – they approached the edge of the meadow.
And there, in the shadows, just sticking out a wee little bit was something reddish. Or was it bluish? It was definitely sort of...green. Yes, dear reader, in case you haven’t worked it out yet, I still have no idea what it is, ok?
"What’s that?" asked Edgarb, pointing at it while stalling for time.
"Umm..." said Phil. "I’m not really sure. I think it’s something portentous though. We should probably have a look."
They crept closer, peeking carefully to make sure there were no doodie traps. Unlike booby traps, which can be harmful, doodie traps are only annoying; they’re all squishy between the toes – Edgarb had no shoes, remember?
They approached the red-blue-greeny large (but small!) item of portent. "***!" Edgarb whispered, "Is that what I think it is?"
"You know, I really do think it is," said Phil.
"It’s an item of portent!" they both whispered simultaneously together at once to each other.
Phil looked carefully up and down and to both sides. "You know Edgarb, I think I know what it is," he muttered.
"What is it?" asked Edgarb. "To me it looks like a giant tiny can of hairspray."
"That’s exactly what it is!" said Phil. "It’s a giant can of hairspray. If we spray it at our enemies, something portentous will happen."
"Sah-weet!" said Edgarb, who incidentally also hung out in chat rooms and other things of that nature, and he’d really picked up on the l33t lingo.
"Grab it and we’ll take it with us Phil", said Edgarb, who incidentally also hung out in chat rooms and other things of that nature, and was also a lazy bastard who never did anything he didn’t have to.
"No Edgarb," said Phil defiantly.
"What? Why not Phil?" asked Edgarb, confused. Surely Phil wanted the hairspray of portent as much he did.
"I’m a fish, Edgarb." said Phil. "Got no hands."
"Oh yeah," said the lazy little prince. He grabbed the portentous hairspray, put it in his bag, and they set off on the trail out of the meadow.
"You know Edgarb," Phil said as they walked, "I think this is a sign. Items of portent are just so, you know, important. Something portentous is going to happen with it soon, I’d stake my reputation on it."
"What reputation?" Edgarb asked.
"Oh hush."
*
The trail led into some woods. No matter where you are in the whole mega-multi-uni-thingy-verse, there are really only two types of woods. The first type is like in the Return of the Jedi, with the speeder bikes and the massive trees. It big, it’s open, there’s plenty of light, and there’s cute fuzzy teddy bear things running around eating your food and worshipping your servant droids.
The second type is like the one that Little Red Riding hood travelled through to get to Grandma’s house. Those woods are dark, closed in, and nasty things like cross-dressing wolves with big sharp teeth lurk around every corner.
You know which type this one was, right? Of course you do. I might have had storm troopers at the castle earlier, but there’s no way I’m writing in cute fuzzy Ewoks.
Edgarb, with Phil in his bowl clutched in his arms, crept quietly down the dark twisting trail. He had to duck under low hanging tree branches, push his way through spider webs, and climb over tree roots, all that annoying travelling through the woods stuff.
They weren’t really that far into the woods when Edgarb thought he saw something moving off to one side. He looked carefully, but couldn’t see anything. He shook his head, and kept on going.
A little later, the same thing happened again, just a flash of something white in the corner of his eye. Again, he couldn’t see anything there when he looked properly.
The third time it happened they were deep into the woods. By this stage they were starting to look for somewhere to bed down for the night. The flash of white came again, but this time Edgarb, who had been looking out for it, was ready. He immediately dashed off the path; heading straight for whatever it was that was there.
"Who’s there?" he called. "I know there’s someone there!"
"Edgarb, what are you on about cobber? Are you seeing things mate?" Phil, it seemed, had not only completely missed the flashes of white that Edgarb had seen, had also picked up a bit of an Australian accent.
"I’m not seeing things," Edgarb called back as he ran into the forest. "There’s something there!"
Edgarb ducked behind a tree, and came out carrying a gorgeous little fluffy white bunny rabbit. "You see Phil? I told you there was something."
Ok, ok, I know – but it has no resemblance to a cute fuzzy teddy bear.
Edgarb stumbled back to the path and sat down, putting Phil’s fishbowl down on a flat stone beside him. He held the rabbit up and looked at it.
"This thing looks pretty healthy to me Phil," Edgarb said. "Looks like I’ve found myself some dinner. It’s about time I had a properly cooked meal – I’ll get a fire going"
Phil was about to answer (he had his own opinions on what made a good dinner, and roast rabbit meat – any meat – didn’t sound that tasty to him. Worms, flies, and other little bugs – now there was a dinner fit for a fish!) when the rabbit’s eyes went very large and it started squirming and wriggling (much like a worm in fact, Phil thought – he was getting quite hungry) and trying to break free.
Edgarb kept a firm hold while the rabbit struggled. It twisted, it turned, it did it’s best to get free, but Edgarb was too strong. Eventually the rabbit stopped struggling – but its eyes grew big, and it just stared. It stared right at Edgarb, as if its eyes were boring right into the back of Edgarb’s brain. When that seemed to have no effect, it stared at Phil too. Back and forth it stared.
"You know Edgarb," Phil said. "I think this rabbit is more than just a rabbit. I’m pretty sure that it heard you say you were going to cook it."
At this, the rabbit stared back at Phil. And then it nodded.
"Holy shit!" said Edgarb. "I think you’re right! Ok little bunny, here’s the deal. If I put you down, are you going to stay still? I think we need to talk about this."
The rabbit stared back at Edgarb. And then it nodded. Edgarb gently placed the rabbit on the ground in front of him, and let it go. The rabbit just sat there, staring.
Edgarb stared at the rabbit. The rabbit stared back. Phil looked at the rabbit. The rabbit stared back. Phil, you’ll note, didn’t stare. Well, he did, but since he was a fish he couldn’t blink, and everything was a stare. He was a little sensitive about it, actually. So he just looked.
"Oh well, looks like it bugs again," said Edgarb, who got up and started looking around for things to eat.
The rabbit just sat there, watching.
He found some berries for himself, which he ate while he picked them, and then dug some ants out of a nest and dropped them in Phil’s bowl. Phil was getting pretty tired of ants, but he knew that Edgarb was doing the best he could, so he didn’t say anything while he ate.
And the rabbit just sat there, watching. And then the rabbit hopped over to Edgarb’s bag and started pawing at it. "Hey, stop that," said Edgarb as he pulled the bag away from the rabbit. "Leave it alone! There’s nothing in there but an item of portent." Still the rabbit kept trying to get at the bag.
"You know what Edgarb?" called Phil from his bowl. "I think I know what’s going on. It’s obvious when you think about it. But I don’t think you’re going to like it though."
Edgarb considered this very carefully, then thought about it more, and then pondered some ponderings. "Nope, I don’t get it Phil, what’s going on?"
"You sure you can’t figure it out? It’s easy." Phil paused. "But ok then. We picked up an item of portent before, right?"
"Right," Edgarb nodded.
"And now there’s a rabbit hanging around, right?"
"Right," Edgarb nodded again.
"And...." Phil prompted.
"And...?" Edgarb’s face was still a blank.
"And so you should spray it with the hare spray!" Phil groaned.
All of a sudden Edgarb understood. "You’re right, I don’t like it Phil. That’s a terrible joke."
"I know." Phil agreed. "Don’t blame me, I’m not writing this."
"Well I’m not writing it either!" said Edgarb.
Well I’m not writing it- oh. Sorry everyone. I guess it’s my fault. Any-who...
Edgarb took the hare – sorry, hair – spray out of his bag, pointed it at the rabbit, and sprayed. Nothing happened. He sprayed some more and still nothing happened.
He sprayed a third time. Something definitely happened.
The rabbit grew. As it grew, it changed shape a little, so that it stood like a man – but shorter. Imagine a werewolf, but instead of being part man, part wolf, it was part man, part rabbit.
It was a wererabbit.
## Thanks to Robert Rankin for this technique :)